Everyone makes top 10 lists for Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest. I am bored. If I read another list about the best ways to find a job or optimize your company’s Google+ strategy, I’ll punch someone in the face.
Instead of giving you the TOP 10 TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR RÉSUMÉ, I thought I would give you something helpful. Useful. Informative.
Here are my TOP 10 PLACES TO POOP WHEN YOU HAVE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.
- A nice hotel. If you have diarrhea in a major city, find yourself a Park Hyatt. There are restrooms in the lobby that are often nicer than the master bedroom in your house.
- A fancy department store. Best public restroom? Bloomingdale’s home store at the old Medinah Temple in Chicago. I’ve pooped there on quite a few surprise occasions. Crate & Barrel also works.
- Shoe stores. Really. DSW has a public toilet that isn’t bad.
- Craft stores. This one is only partially true. If you have explosive diarrhea in the morning before noon, this is a good place to stop. After lunch, all the old women have crapped up the stalls. They know this trick, too.
- Bed Bath & Beyond. Not bad. Works in a jiffy.
- PetSmart. Surprisingly clean.
- Target. I prefer Target to Walmart for reasons that should be pretty obvious. I like my toilets herpes-free.
- Lobbies of corporations. I’ve had to stop the car in some of the corporate areas here in RTP. You’d be surprised how nice some of these toilets are!
- Nicer medical offices and buildings. There isn’t a dermatologist or orthodontist in my area that hasn’t seen me… in the lobby… using the public restroom… not paying for medical services. Booyah. I believe in Obamacare and access to your toilets, mofos.
- Starbucks. The Starbucks toilets aren’t the best in NYC but they are fairly clean and accessible. Also, there are hooks on the back of the door where you can hang your purse very quickly. I’ve got the remove-purse-get-ass-on-toilet move down pat.
I could do this all day. Maybe my next post will be the worst places to poop. I have that list, too.
See?
Much more helpful than rote social media and career advice.




